


Matous With a Van

by Sarielys



Category: Fate/Apocrypha, Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Heist, sakura is a terrible driver
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:00:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27024667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarielys/pseuds/Sarielys
Summary: A ridiculous crack fic based on a stupid conversation I had over discord. The Matous have a van, what crimes will they commit
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Matous With a Van

As the Great Holy Grail War raged on, servants whacking each other left and right with magic beams, Sieg and Jeanne were standing around by the Grail, watching the chaotic battle unfold before them. Suddenly, though, Jeanne perked up and looked behind them, ignoring the scene of Mordred getting smacked in the face with a stray arrow from her own team’s archer.

“Sieg, do you hear that?” She scanned the horizon for the source of her strange premonition of intrusion, sensing a powerful disturbance in the force of the grail war. Though, unfortunately for her, she turned a little too far to the right, not able to see as a medium sized white van slammed into her from the side, throwing her several feet away while a ‘Sorry!’ could be heard from the driver’s seat.

Before either of the two dumbfounded overseers could properly react to the white van crashing their grail war, the side door was forced open, and a pathetic looking blue haired boy with a duffel bag jumped out, moving like a bat out of hell toward the Holy Grail. 

Watching in awe and confusion, Sieg witnessed the strange boy just up and steal the grail into his bag, only having the presence of mind to realize that this was actually happening by the time the mysterious intruder was already in the van.

“I got it! Drive, now!” The blue haired boy shouted out to his cohort as he leaped into the van and slammed the door shut behind him, only to be met with a tutting noise from his counterpart, the girl shaking her head.

“Say please, Shinji, we talked about this.” 

“THEY’RE GONNA START FIRING, JUST DRIVE!”

His shouted commands were met with another shake of the girl’s head, Shinji watching in horror as Jeanne picked herself up a ways off from the van, and the sound of an arrow hitting the side of the van could be heard as the rest of the servants seemed to be getting wise to the antics going on with their grail.

“...Please! Just drive, Sakura, please!” With that pathetic display of begging, Sakura seemed satisfied, slamming her foot down on the gas pedal and running Jeanne over again as they began to make their daring escape.

As Atalanta and Chiron shot their arrows at the van, they suddenly found their shots being deflected by an unknown assailant, a blonde figure appearing, standing on top of the van as Sakura accelerated them the hell out of there.

“You’ll have to do better than that, Mongrels, this will not even scratch me!” The blonde man standing on the van laughed arrogantly as he fired swords and all sorts of different weapons at the assailing servants. 

Behind them, an enraged Mordred decided to use her Mana Burst to give herself an explosive boost in tailing their grail thieves, but unfortunately for her, she launches herself directly into Achilles’ chariot, causing them both to plummet to the ground uselessly, the shouted profanities unable to be heard as everyone quickly surpasses them in the race for the van. 

“Gilgamesh, gate us to your treasury!” Shinji shouts out the window up to the man on the roof, only to receive a kick in his face from Gil, followed by a glare. 

“You dare try to order me, Mongrel? My treasury is too good for you, this heist will be done by your own power!” The lapse in his regular firing of defensive weapons allows a stray arrow to whiz past Shinji’s face and hit the rear-view mirror of the van, but that didn’t seem to impede Sakura’s ability to slam the gas pedal in any capacity.

To make it look like he’s actually doing something useful, Avicebron summons a golem in front of the van as they’re driving, to make them crash or at least stop in their tracks, to let him take all the credit for catching them. Unfortunately for him, though, Sakura shouts for Gil to “Knock it down, please!”, and then uses the golem’s prone body as a makeshift ramp to do a totally sick jump with the van, Shinji screaming for his life all the while. 

As Shinji clings to his grail-filled duffel bag and mentally composes his last will and testament, the van slams to the ground with a big jolt, him getting slammed against the floor of the van with the force of it, because the idiot wasn’t wearing his seatbelt. 

“Are we losing them?” Sakura couldn’t see through the shattered rearview mirror, so she shouted out for a status update, Shinji leaning his head out the window again to witness the shape of various servants disappearing into the distance.

“We’re doing it, we’re winning! I knew we would, we have me here!” Despite the fact that all he really did was grab the grail and leave, Shinji hautily praised himself, Gilgamesh giving a taunting laugh into the night sky and taking his eyes off the battlefield to congratulate himself on a job well done.

And then Jack the Ripper was shot at them as a projectile by herself, slashing their tires and making the car go haywire as she clung to the back of it. “Hi! We’re stopping you!” 

Even if Sakura had managed to stay driving at her full reckless speed with two slashed tires, a second girl was shot at them like a living bullet, Frankenstein striking the van with lightning and forcing them to a complete stop. Who knew archers could just fire entire servants.

Soon, the Holy Grail War Police had arrived, detaining the criminals and impounding their vehicle, while Jack and Fran were given ice cream for their efforts in stopping these villainous idiots.

“You have the right to remain non-sabers!” A mysterious blonde heroine police officer shouted out as she led the three of them into her police rocket ship, a completely normal thing for a police officer to have. Though, she kept giving angry glares in the general direction of Siegfried and Mordred, even if she didn’t act on those impulses for now. 

“So... What in the what just happened?” Sieg, the most confused of everyone, finally made the comment that everyone was thinking.

**Author's Note:**

> Coming up next - The Trial


End file.
